Anger is like poison

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” - Buddha

When we hold onto anger or resentment towards someone who we felt has done us wrong, we end up doing more harm to ourselves. Anger takes a great deal of both cognitive and emotional energy. Spending this energy on anger holds us back from seeing or attending to other experiences. It primes our brain for a type of resentful “tunnel vision”. When we are angry we notice other incidents or people that trigger more resentment. We react negatively to what ordinarily would be neutral stimuli or situations. We then create a more unpleasant living situation for ourselves.

The person(s) we are angry with often doesn’t know of our resentment and anger. Or if they do, they see your anger as an attack on them and will often fail to feel empathy or guilt for what you feel they have done to you. So you are suffering with your “poison” or resentment and they feel nothing.

All relationships need good boundary setting and a balance of empathy. However, your anger will not solve the issues or transgression you feel has been done to you.

Instead, take time away from the person. Reset your brain with some positive experiences such as talking to another friend about other things, getting some fresh air, doing something you like. Then think about what the other person did that bothered you in terms of how it made you feel besides angry. Use “I” statements to explain how you felt about the situation. If they respond in a healthy and empathetic way then the relationship can grow. If they respond with more ways that make you feel unheard or devalued, then this is important information about the nature of your relationship.

Research has consistently showed that stress (such as with anger and resentment) can lead to physical health issues in addition to emotional experiences such as depression. So let go of your anger for your own sake and instead set boundaries, give people with a good track record the benefit of the doubt, and assess what relationships add value to your life. Life is hard enough; stop punishing yourself for the mistakes others have made.

Being kind must include yourself.

CounsellorPam